This afternoon I spoke to my spiritual director, Elizabeth, for more than an hour. We spoke of many things, but one of the images that came up is that of a roller coaster. I hate them, roller coasters. I really do. I knew before I ever rode on one that I would hate it. Only once have I allowed peer pressure to force me onto one, and yes, I hated it fiercely. I hated it so much that I bruised my legs trying to stay in.
Lately, my life is like a roller-coaster, and I don't much like it. More than a few moments during the past week, I've had my eyes screwed shut, my stomach screaming with stress and I have been hanging on for dear life until the short but horrifying ride is over.
But here is the deal. In seeking spiritual growth, I'm trying to "go" with God when He sends my days spiraling through cork-screws. I am trying to keep my eyes open and my head up and see what He is trying to teach me, what work He is doing in transforming me. I'm trying to do more than just endure and pray that it will end soon (the ride, not life :) )
I want to move past the point where I try and duck the pain, or go around, but learn instead to move through it, clinging to God as I go, growing as I go.
Sometimes I don't want to ride for one more second. Sometimes I don't want to have to grow one more inch. Sometimes I want to call God crazy for thinking a roller coaster is a useful teaching tool.
But I will stay strapped in and go around again, and again until I have learned what I needed to and can get off this ride and sit sobbing with relief in His lap.