2007-04-23

For the record

I have been the Queen of "What If" lately. You know the refrain.

What if the car doesn't pass inspection?
What if it needs expensive repairs?
What if we can't drive to Barcelona this weekend for Troy's speaking engagement?
What if the funds don't come in for the school fees by the time the bill is due next Monday?
What if we have to take them out of school?
What if
What if
What if

Once this refrain starts in my life, it tends to escalate and spiral out of control.

In our last email update, this is how I described the image of my life that I've been living with:

"I feel like an Israelite who has been delivered from Egypt (the huge financial crisis we had in the Fall) and is on her way to the Promised Land. But it seems too good to be true, and I have been watching over my shoulder for Pharaoh and his army to appear. I can see them on the edge of the horizon (looming need of the funds to pay the last school payment and Nic's speech therapy) and I can see that we are pushing up against the border of the Red Sea (need to increase our monthly support.)"

To be honest, even though God provided for us in a truly miraculous way in the fall, making it clear in the process that He wants us here, sometimes I still struggle to trust Him. I have the feeling that maybe that provision was our miracle, and that we have used up our share now. I know that sounds ridiculous. Sometimes it feels greedy to ask Him for yet more.

So will you pray with us, that we will sit on the shore here, between Pharaoh and the Red Sea, and have a fish dinner with Jesus around the fire? Pray that we (and me especially) will sit secure and peaceful, listening to what Jesus is saying to me, looking at HIM, not looking over His shoulder to see how close the army is or how big the waves are.

God has been dealing gently with me, sitting here on this beach, giving me His strength, allowing me the time to gather myself. It has been a sometimes daily struggle to hope.

But I am choosing hope. It is starting to sink in around the edges. And I decided that when He provides, I need to take note.

TODAY THE CAR PASSED INSPECTION. THANK YOU GOD!

I am standing at the edge of the Red Sea, with my toes in the water. Jesus' arm is strong around me. And any minute, that water is going to part, and Jesus and me are going to walk right through on dry land together.

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