Soul Skirmish

Last night when I got home with Meaghan after taking her to a birthday party, my laptop was sitting on the dining room table. With the BOSD (Window's blue screen of death) on the screen. I restarted it, and it ran through some kind of scan and seemed to recognizing and fixing some stuff. But it won't start. It tries to launch Windows, then goes to a nice black screen. Nothing. Not even in safe mode.

Normally, this would drive me right out of my mind. As I have mentioned before, I really really don't like it when my technology doesn't work. My little laptop is my gateway to the world, my connection. I do all kinds of church work, I write, I stay connected with friends, I read, I play music. We are definitely a 2 computer couple. We both use our computers way too much to share.

Since I have been trying not to sweat the petty things, I fiddled with it for awhile and then left it. I played Tetris with my husband (he recently treated our family to a couple of the old style games like Space Invaders and Tetris that plug right into our TV).

I went to bed, resisting the urge to try and fix my computer. I didn't sleep well, dreaming about possible ways to fix it. After awhile I woke up, my mind racing.

At that point, I had a conversation with God. I have been feeling lately that I need to draw better boundaries around my computer use. I need to be better about turning it off, or just leaving it alone. I have known this is my soul. In the darkness, I could fell God pressing this point a little harder, but still gently. I could feel Him probing the balance between my technical time and my spiritual time. And yeah, guess which side came up wanting.

I tried to argue about how much I need the computer for work etc. But my heart had to concede. I know that the balance of computer time to other things needs to decrease.

So I wrestled with my will, to stay in bed, to be still. I resisted the urge to get up, and turn on Troy's computer so I could write this post. I stayed in bed, and I went back to sleep.

Right now I'm running diagnostics on it. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sort it out, or if I will have to take it in. I don't know when I'll have it back.

I do know this though. I will not (with God's help) let it monopolize my heart and thoughts today. I will prepare my Godly Play lesson for church tonight with my whole heart. I will engage in community tonight. Tomorrow I will enjoy Sabbath and rest. I will play with my kids, I will read a book, maybe take a nap.

I know it won't be so easy when the computer is fixed. But I also know that it's something I need to tend to.

On Wednesday night at community group, this image in James 1 really resonated with me:
"In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life." The Message

I think the landscaping is beginning! And maybe where there was an ugly hunk of metal before, God will plant some beautiful flowers.


bobbie said...

thank you for reminding me of that verse heather - i had been sitting with that one before the holidays.

i too am in need of a bit of pruning. hope it's not as painful as it sounds! :)

hope your lappy heals soon too!

Troy said...


You have been an example to me. If it had been my computer I would have fussed and fumed. Your calm reaction has been awesome to see.

Your hubby