2004-11-06

God's Kiss

I woke on Thursday morning with a start. I could tell by the heavy darkness in the room that it was still early. Outside, the rain that seems to have been around for weeks now drip, drip, dripped its way into my consciousness. The weight of it pressed against me like a cold wet hand. It was not a morning where I could huddle deep in my warm bed and listen peacefully to the rain. Instead, each drop fell splashing into my stress, raising the level of it one drop at a time until it threatened to overflow completely. Worries about money, school, church, the many details on my to-do list, grieving over losses and impending losses, uncertainty, and (oh yes!) PMS swirled around me in the darkness. And outside, the pouring rain emptied on my world. I thought wryly of the prayer that I had written to God in our church's week-long prayer room. Something about wanting to stand in the downpour of His love and be completely drenched and overwhelmed with it. "Is this love Lord? It feels more like misery to me." I stayed in the dark and grumbled to Him.

Two small beams of light shone into my darkness as our kids wandered into our room and cuddled into bed with us. For awhile I gave up my sulking and took comfort in small voices and soft hands holding mine. Eventually we managed to get out of bed and start the day together. While we ate breakfast and brushed teeth and got backpacks and jackets and boots, the rain poured down, a constant nagging background track to life.

After school trips and coffee with a seeking friend (I put on a mostly cheerful face after admitting the "rain" was getting me down.) I hibernated at home. Being our day off, it meant I could keep the shades down, read a book, blow off a couple of errands I had planned to do and nurse my misery comfortably. I did this successfully ALL day.

Then it was time to pick up Meaghan from school. I went outside to the car and was greeted with blinding sunshine so bright it almost set me back on my heels. The sky was beautiful Madrid blue, the blue that comes from high altitudes. Only a few peaceful puffy clouds lingered in the sky that only hours before hung an inch above my head and dumped its full store of water on me. On the highway, starting up the hills towards school, the sun burned in my car window and branded my face. It was so warm and so concentrated that it burned into my very soul. I felt His kiss on my cheek and I heard His voice whispering to me "I SEE you. I feel your hurt, your stress, your worry. I hear your cry for relief. I pulled back the clouds and give you sun (and SON) so you will know this. I SEE YOU."

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